Snarkodox


How to Talk Shadchan

Here are some statements commonly made by shadchanim and what they may REALLY be thinking when they say them:

* Politically correct disclaimer: these translations do not necessarily reflect my beliefs, but a satirical view on what I presume to be the beliefs of shadchans.

What the shadchan says:

“She’s from a very balabatish family.”

What the shadchan means:

“Your son won’t have to work outside of yeshiva a day in his life.”

“He’s very well-rounded.”

Translation: He knows his Gemara but can also recite all the recent stats of the Yankees.

“They’re a lovely family.”

Translation: They’re a bunch of weirdos.

“(S)he has a very interesting  perspective on things.”

Translation: (S)he is freaking nuts.

“She really has her priorities straight.”

Translation: She’s majoring in speech or occupational therapy.

“She went to all the right places.”

Tranlation: She went to Bnos Chava seminary and Touro College.

“He’s very frum but wordly.”

Translation:  Don’t worry, he still watches episodes of Law and Order: SVU.

“She’s a typical Shulamis girl.”

Translation: May want to get a virginity check.

“She’s a good Prospect girl.”

Translation: She may be a bum, but she’s a bum with good grades and she doesn’t sing Hatikva.

“You two are perfect for each other.”

Translation: I mean, she’s a girl and you’re a boy, aren’t you?

“The mother is very classy.”

Translation: You know I don’t work with families who stack and use plastic tablecloths.

“Oh, it’s m’shamayim, I’m just a shaliach.”

Translation: Don’t blame me if it totally bombs.

“Don’t worry, it’s bashert.”

Translation: He thought you were too fat.

“You need to make more hishtadlus.”

Translation: Better lose the Seminary Fifteen.

“No one’s perfect.”

Translation: Who do you think you are? Just settle down with any shmoe already.

“She said you two –  well, I personally never would have thought it, but go ahead.”

Translation: I don’t want her to get my shadchanus money.

“Trust me, (s)he’s not for you.”

Translation: You know I know what’s best for you. How dare you question my wisdom?

“Your standards are too high.”

Translation: Your parents are divorced, what do you expect me to have for you?

“They’re a very close-knit family.”

Translation: You will never get your mother-in-law off your back.

“I don’t have anyone for you right now. ”

Translation: I don’t work with YU people. Go find someone on your own.

“They’re very out-of-townish.”

Translation: They’re somewhat open-minded.

“(S)he takes dating very seriously.”

Translation: Massive commitment issues.

“(S)he is very passionate.”

Translation: Bring pepper spray with you.

“He’s very leibedik.”

Translation: He gets stone drunk at weddings and on Purim.

“She has a lot of simachas ha’chaim.”

Translation: You can’t get a word of sense out of her.

“He has a very long list.”

Translation: He’s too good for you.

“Why don’t you give it one more date?”

Translation: You don’t want end up as an old maid, do you?

“You can’t expect to hear bells by your third date.”

Translation: Your mind has been poisoned by goyish narishketit about love and romance. You have the rest of your life to fall in love.

“You don’t really know someone until you’re married.”

Translation: You won’t know him any better after twenty dates than fifteen, so you may as well just get engaged already.

“You have to have bitachon.”

Translation: No, I don’t have anyone for you, so stop bugging me.

“All in the right time.”

Translation: Ever consider getting your eggs frozen?

 

All in good fun, of course. 😉

 

 

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