Text messages are banned.

Yes, it’s true.

The very latest from Israel’s List of the Damned and Banned: The text message.

According to my friend the new KosherPhones in Israel not only come without Internet but they come without the ability to text. I imagine you have to pay several extra monthly shkalim for the privilege of having someone deactivate these features on your phone.

Initially I thought that the ban against text was due to the fact that they encourage poor punctuation and spelling until I remembered that proper punctuation is not necessarily the strongest suit of the community in question. My next thought was that texts may be used to communicate with others in middle of class or shiur, the more technologically-advanced version of passing notes. Then I thought that perhaps the diction of text messages is too loose and casual; think of how pritzusdik ir is to use words like “cool” or “awesome” in regular conversation. Finally I considered the possibilty that people may use more brazen words when texting since not actually saying the words out loud may reduce inhibitions. But I was wrong on all counts. 

The real reason for the ban is that the rabbanim have discovered that texting is a common source of addiction among teenagers after being tipped off by the droves of teens who voluntarily turn their cell phones to their rabbis every Friday afternoon in order to protect themselves from the yetzer hara of texting on Shabbos. Naturally there is no yetzer hara for, you know, actually calling people on Shabbos. It is also apparent that it is not enough to ask a friend or family member to hold your phone for you; they may cave in if they entering withdrawal and enable your addiction further. It is well known that family members melt when they hear the plaintive cry of, “Please! One last text! Just one little text! I won’t even spell whole words out!”

Since unhealthy addictions and behaviors are clearly curable by bans – remember how the wedding takanos was going to cure jealousy and overspending – I hereby propose a list of new chumros.

1. Cholent is to be banned; it is too high in cholesterol and people are not capable of limiting their portion sizes and may be over on v’nishmartem nafshoseichem.

2. Credit cards are to be banned; they encourage people’s shopping addictions.

3. It is assur to build extensions to your home or upgrade the family car to a minivan; such trends put pressure on the entire neighborhood.

4. It is no longer permissable to take your date out to ESPNZone or Dave & Busters. Aside from the fact that pritzus exists in both places, playing video games may be addictive and arcade games are akin to gambling.

5. Chinese auctions are similarly to be banned since it is clearly the gateway drug to Atlantic City.

6. Since our liberal times have given way to sexual addictions, sex is to be banned, even between husband and wife. Hashem allowed in vitro technology to develop and we should take advantage of the fact that we no longer to engage in a potentially addictive behavior in order to have children.

7. Alcohol and tobacco will not be banned because the olam cannot be omed b’such nisayonos.


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  1. * AlexM says:

    Your blog is interesting!

    Keep up the good work!

    Posted 10 years, 9 months ago
  2. * Snarkodox says:

    Thanks! 😉

    Posted 10 years, 9 months ago

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